1 week

 This I forgot to post from last friday I believe.....


I was supposed to give myself one week. One week to be sad, to cry, and to wallow in my own pit of self pity then I was supposed to put on my "big girl panties" and move on. To my surprise I wasn't sad last week, yes I cried at least everyday but for the most part I was happy. It actually started yesterday, in the card isle at Target to be precise. A friend I've know sense the womb is getting married this weekend, I knew this weekend was going to be hard, but with the way last week went I was hopeful I could get threw the night without a tear. Then I got to the card isle at Target and I saw all the love all the hope on the cards and I just couldn't handle it, I was lucky I was able to hold it together like I did. I wanted to burst out into tears but I held back grabbed the first card I could find and walked away. Sense then I just haven't been the same. I'm back to being on the verge of crying all the time.

A rough weekend....

It was the weekend of the Marriage of  a friend I have known sense birth, her and her new husband are extremely good friends of my brother. It was a destination wedding in Santa Barbara, so saturday morning I got up at 5am took care of all the critters and was on the road from San Diego to my parents house in Huntington Beach then on to Santa Barbara a trip that took us 3 hours most of it was in traffic. On the way up I did a mental check of my emotions to try and gauge how I was feeling about going to a wedding 9 days after the love of my life left for a war zone. And in all honestly I was feeling optimistic, I tried to envision the ceremony, still all was good. I was proud of myself. The ceremony site was absolutely beautiful straight out of a fairy tale.   I will admit I teared up a little bit when I first saw the bride. But it was a happy tear. Then the ceremony started and the Paster started to talk about how important the love and support of the people around them would be to their marriage. He then asked if we would stand and to the married couples in attendance to hold hands while we prayed for the newlyweds. That was it. Thats the moment where I lost it. I had to stand there alone, it hurt so bad, all I wanted someones hand to hold. Something so simple, something that I think most of the couples around me probably didnt even think twice about. Well the ceremony moved on and I pulled myself together for the most part but I was a mess of lonely tears for the rest of the day.

 I got home sunday evening emotionally and physically exhausted. And still alone.

Week 1, when Shit Hits the Fan

This week, emotionally, wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. But I do feel like sense he left a few big things have gone wrong that he could have easily fixed himself but now has to walk me threw them. First on Friday I went to Costco, were I buy all the food for the training dogs, my dogs, and a couple of things for myself, I found out in the check out line that our card needed to be renewed, adding another $100 to my already $200 bill. Over the weekend I competed in an Agility trial it was hot, I was the chief Course Builder so I worked two 14hr days in a row, and my dog ran AWFUL on top of it. And the AC in my car went out. On Monday I got up let the dogs out to potty and my Border Collie who had been in his crate all weekend came back in lame on a hind leg. On Tuesday I had an appointment with a client in Norco, CA. I knew it was going to be hot so I had planned to take his truck cause it has AC, I packed everything in it I would need for the hour and a half trip out there the hour long lesson and the hour and a half trip back. Ready to leave on time I noticed that one of the tires was completely flat. Awesome. I unpacked everything from the truck to my car called the client to let her know I would be late and I drove there and back in the 90* heat with no AC. I ended up fixing the tire myself.

I am extremely lucky for the people I have around me. I am very close to my Agility Trainer and his family at the trial he decided (without my permission) to announce at the handlers meeting that DH had deployed which of course made me cry. I had to walk away and compose myself. When I came back the two woman that I had become friends with came up to give me great big hugs and I found out that one's husband had been a Marine for 27years they both made me feel so much better about life. I had so many people offer up help at anytime if I needed it. I had one client buy me a cute digital camo hat that says "Proud Marine Wife" on it. Another brought me Golden Spoon Frozen Yogurt when she came to pick up her dogs. My Mom has called me practically every day.

Hopefully things calm down I get a few more clients so I can pay rent and stop worrying......

Day 1

Its only 8:20am. Luke Brian is on GMA. Its hot, humid and rainy outside. I am thankful that the weather matches my mood. I didnt sleep well despite the glass of wine, and a Tylenol pm  but I got a phone call from him at about 4:30am they had made it to Alaska (I can say this now because they are long gone from there) their first stopping point, I figure this is the last time we will get to talk for a couple of days. I already cant wait to get an email from the FRO saying they made it safely. I worry about plane travel. 

I have alot to do this weekend. Today I am helping my dog Agility instructor set up the courses for the weekend Trial he is hosting. With all that is going on I missed the final entry date so my dog and I will not be competing. But I am learning to be a course builder so that will keep me pretty busy. 

Now I have sheep to feed and water, dogs that need out, a puppy to train and kibble to buy .......

And just like that.....he's gone.

In our past deployments I have said goodbye from home. Never had I had to opportunity to be there when those white buses pulled away. So this was a whole new experience for both of us. Ill save you the boring details of the day, which included breakfast burritos, packing and a lot of sitting on the couch watching TV. A massive number of the Marines in our squadron have never deployed before. I am just a small percentage that not only have done this before but more then once. We sat around in the parking lot for about an hour or so just people watching.  I held it together rather well (I think) I didnt start to sniffle till he left for the armory, but everyone was crying at that point. I hung around to see him walk to the bus then to watch it leave, then I got in the car, and went home. That's when reality hit me.... the fact that I will be living alone for the next 6 -9 months with out my best friend. And I started to cry. Luckily I HAD to pull myself together cause I had daycare pick ups and drop off to tend to when I got home a bottle of wine and it was Thursday which means its spaghetti night. Spaghetti helps. Wine helps. Trashy TV helps. 

2 days till D day.....

In less then two days my husband will deploy, for the third time. But before I get all sappy how about a little back story..... my husband and I met threw some mutual friend almost 10 years ago.His first deployment was (as I remember it) easy .... he deployed to Japan for 6 months, his second he was given 5 days notice before leaving on a 7 month deployment to Iraq he made a special trip home to tell me in person, needless to say I did not handle it well, we had just gotten engaged and I felt like it came out of no where. But there was nothing I could do. I drove him back to the base that weekend and we said our good byes in front of the barracks as I had to be to work in the morning. The next day he left. Although I was for at least a week a complete emotional wreck. But I was very lucky I was still living with my parents and I was near some of my very best friends who made sure I got out of the house at least once a weekend for a party of some sort. 

This time around we have been preparing for some time feels like its been forever. And up untill this week I have been some what fine, a mild panic attack here and there but nothing major. But this week, oh god, this week, I feel as if I have been on the very edge of bursting into complete histaria. I wanted to be stronger then this. I wanted to be able to take him to those white buses and not cry, now though I dont think Im going to make it. Lord help him if he asks me if Im ok one more time I might just break. And on top of him leaving a few months back I thought it would be a great idea to finally start perusing my dream job. I officially became a dog trainer. We moved into a rental house that is set up for a dog trainer to live and work on the property I thought it was going to be amazing. And the reality of it is that the rent is way to high the land lord is a total jerk and every time the dogs bark I get a complaint from the neighbors. My anxiety is threw the roof we've only been here 4 months and I feel its taken YEARS off my life. 

So in 2 days I will be living in a house Im not comfortable in that creates the worst anxiety with no family no friends.... just me and a dozen dogs, praying  I make enough that month to pay the rent. 

The goal of writing this blog is that it gives me someone to talk to. So that I dont completely lose it.